| (no subject) |
[Dec. 23rd, 2004|10:27 am] |
| [ | i "feel"... |
| |  exhausted | ] |
| [ | listening to... |
| | social distortion 8) | ] |
so davey found my livejournal.
i found his aswell.
his was harder to find though..
i won't make this one private like my other one.
i found heather's too.
it's cute. :]
i won't tell ya what it is because i don't even think she wanted me to know.
*is talking to davey now*
i love this kid more than anything.
he's probably getting pissed off because i'm typing and not talking.
i'll get off now and talk to him. he sounds sad.
♥ashkinz |
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| woo. |
[Dec. 18th, 2004|10:11 am] |
| [ | i "feel"... |
| |  okay | ] |
| [ | listening to... |
| | the secret machines | ] |
i changed my colors again.
not much you can do with a free account i don't guess.
so many pretty layouts i could have but NO not on livejournal.
i think i'm always gonna be pissy about that.
exams went alright.
english III = 73/D or is that a C here..
photography = 68/F i got the photographers mixed up ;x
psychology = 76/C i still have an A in the class!!! :D
geometry = 98/AAAAA :D so i got a 95 or higher in there.
ceramics = 90/A it was too easy..
physics = ??/?? she won't email me back, that whore!!
i know i'm passing all of my classes and i'm almost sure that i have A's and B's.
atleast i have an A in psychology.
that's all that matters to me.
i've stressed out so much about that exam.
:] A for meeeee.
i hardly got to talk to davey yesterday ;/
i went over to dani's after the exams and then watched her practice and thennn helped her get ready for the dance.
she looked so pretty. :]
i straightened her hair and did her make-up.
[all of you who have seen my makeup skills should know that she looks awesome]
she hardly ever wears makeup and she looks pretty without it, but wow.
aubrey's jaw probably dropped when he saw her. :]
i also let her borrow my prom dress from last year and it fit her.
it made me happy that i could help her out.
that dress was too big for me... ;/
not much to update about now.
parentals are still sleeping, i get to clean house today, etc.
feel free to call me and get me out of it.
♥ashkinz |
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| why must you run so slow?! |
[Dec. 15th, 2004|02:10 pm] |
| [ | i "feel"... |
| |  gloomy | ] |
| [ | listening to... |
| | the string tribute to nirvana | ] |
people wonder why i never update this thing.
it's because it runs so terribly slow. ;/
it's sad really.
everyone uses this journal, but why?
there are such better journals out there, for free.
you can actually make layouts and use them on there, for free.
unlike here, i have a crappy background because it disables me from showing the world my own art.
lame.
the things people do for money.
not everyone has loads of cash sitting around to pay for such nonsense.
that concludes my lecture of the day.
now for an update,
i've been really, erm, emotional lately.
stress is becoming not my middle, but my first name.
stress is the current and seems like longlasting facial expression that i carry around with me.
making the world a better place. heh.
i'm stressed about school.
exams especially.
i passed my first 2 today, so that leaves me some hope for succeeding to senior year.
i'm stressed about medical things.
like my side and how it constantly is hurting.
how i go to the doctor more than once a week and get told nothing new.
the same "eh..i'm really not sure if it's safe to say yet."
i'm stressed about relationship things with davey.
he won't admit it, but i feel like i'm bringing him down in some way.
he calls me whenever he can, or makes time to.
it's sweet and all, and i love it when he calls to talk to me, but he has a life.
i know he would rather be out with his friends, playing ddr, skating, etc.
before he said that all of his friends thought he was "whipped" and he agreed.
although i never talk about it, it really kinda scares me.
not only that, but confuses me.
what all is he telling his friends to make them think that?
why would he think that in general?
how can i have him "whipped" if i live in another state.
i constantly tell him he should get off with me to sleep, eat, take a shower, or just stare at a wall.
any of those would be far more productive and enjoyable.
maybe i think to much, but i can't help it. i just do.
so i'm going to constantly be worried about things like this until..forever.
i probably will always be worried about things like this. ;/
after thinking about that "whipped" thing, it makes me wonder if he really wants to call as much as he does.
..or at all even.
i don't want to be one of those people who sits around and waits for the phone to ring and it be him on the other line and the caller feel like he has to call me.
i want the person to actually want to talk to me.
no matter how many times he says he wants to talk to me, i think i will always think that.
i'm stressed about my mom
watching her constantly throw up when she's conscious is almost to much.
i love her more than anything, and to see her going through this is killing me.
especially because she's the only one going through it.
they are somewhat sure that it has to do with her brain.
something happened to her brain in the car accident that makes her have multiple seizures, but not the kinds you're thinking of.
she doesn't flip around like most people do.
she can just be sitting and she starts puking 4+ times in a row.
she gets dizzy, light-headed, extremely pale, etc.
it hurts to watch this while knowing you can't do anything about it.
i'm stressed about weight issues
once i got down to 94 i decided i was going to attempt to gain weight.
really this time.
so i ate, didn't do much activity, etc.
i got on a scale, saw triple digits, freaked out, and was down to 92.
i decided to try again, this time i'm still working on it.
i haven't seen a scale for 1 1/2 months now.
i know i weigh over 100 but it doesn't affect me as much as if i see the numbers.
if i was to go on a scale now, and see that i weighed over 100, i would panic.
i wouldn't eat but one meal every 3 days like before.
a couple of crackers, then back to nothing for 3 more days.
only enough to keep me mobile and seemingly happy.
i miss looking down and only seeing my shirt, ruffled from where it doesn't have a stomach to lean up against.
now i see that horrible tummy staring at me, and grinning.
it's preparing to get huge and make me look even more horrible.
i've really been contemplating lowering my food intake.
i won't until after new years, incase davey comes down.
i'm stressed about my location
georgia is a bitch.
people are okay, other than that. no.
there is no one i really get along with.
noone to talk to about things that are going wrong.
i really am alone.
sure, i have people around me that qualify as friends.
they are those kinds of people that you would smile around even though you want to cry.
i'm surrounded by those kinds of people, and it makes me miss tennessee even more.
i need a davey, an april, etc.
i need to see mountains around me to make me feel like i'm more safe from the world.
more protected.
i miss that.
i'm basically stressed about everything
the list could go on and on.
i've nearly typed for an hour so the list must be cut short.
i don't blame anyone for not reading this short story/lists of complaints.
i can't even believe i typed it. |
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| ouch ;[ |
[Dec. 5th, 2004|12:41 pm] |
| [ | i "feel"... |
| | gloomy | ] |
| [ | listening to... |
| | i'm too cool for music fool. | ] |
i hurt so badly.
my side feels like it's got a friggin' balloon inside of me slowly inflating.
ofcourse, making me feel like grabbing a knife and stabbing it to death.
this happens once every 2 months so it's not like it's new or anything.
the trips to the hospital will slowly, but surely, become more excessive now.
i was so proud of me for not going in about 2 weeks [HUGE record for me i might add]
and now it's all over. ;/
i used to have a phobia of hospitals but now it's like "gah! i'm here again?!"
i used to wonder who died in the room i was placed in, or the bed i was laying in.
i was little, ofcourse, but still.
i used to pass out everytime i entered a hospital because i would become so scared.
i'm glad that phase is over, but i wish me having to go all the time was also over with.
blah. i'm just a little nervous about tomorrow.
i hope it's not another cyst, or anything horrible like that.
blahblahblah...blah! i hate this.
i'm gonna stop ranting now, because it's lame.
[psst. sorry for the lack of updates. i'll try harder i promise] |
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| oops :x |
[Nov. 14th, 2004|09:47 am] |
| [ | i "feel"... |
| | exhausted | ] |
| [ | listening to... |
| | cruxshadows | ] |
hrm..
i've kinda abandoned this thing.
sorry, guys.
i'll just give a brief entry telling you what all has happened lately.
- my dad is currently in the hospital, and we're not sure when he can come home.
he had surgery on his spine yesterday and he's hurting lots.
- davey is coming down here for thanksgiving break.
the best part about that is, his parents aren't bringing him.
he's driving himself. :]
he's also staying with me, and not in a hotel. ;] ;]
exciting stuff.
- i got A's and B's on my progress report,
so i guess i'm doing okay in school.
hrmm..i guess that's it.
i really don't have that much of a life.
 |
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| *inserts vulgarity here* |
[Oct. 24th, 2004|05:07 pm] |
| [ | i "feel"... |
| |  aggravated | ] |
| [ | listening to... |
| | the secret machines | ] |
ROAR.
okay, this is about the millionth time my dad has bailed on me.
i hafta go to the mall and look around to piece together a pirate costume.
who volunteers everytime i mention this?
my oh-so-reliable dad.
who bails after i'm ready to go?
my oh-so-reliable dad.
so, i'm now online begging my friends to take me tomorrow.
it's gotten that bad.
i haven't had a haircut since march or april.
it's so thick and long..and i hate it.
it take 45 minutes just to dry the damned thing with a hair dryer!
now, air drying takes 5 hours atleast.
i'm not exaggerating either.
ofcourse, my parents don't have any money to spend on meeee, and i don't have a job.
gr. roar. i can't rely on anyone with the same last name as me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 23rd, 2004|02:40 pm] |
| [ | i "feel"... |
| | worried | ] |
| [ | listening to... |
| | angel with the scabbed wings - marilyn manson | ] |
so i get up this morning, and rush to the computer.
davey, ofcourse, isn't online because it's only 10.
he finally gets online, and dad tells me i have to clean.
2 hours later, i get back online, and he's online.
ofcourse, i'm all excited because i miss him so much.
yeah..
the most he's said really is a "hey how ya doin".
it can certainly get someone to start thinking.
he can't talk to me online, and after 20 minutes of "talking" to me on the phone, he starts playing some kinda game in the middle of our convo.
seriously, am i really that boring?
he never used to do this before..
maybe i'm just thinking too much.
or maybe i'm a boring kid and it took him 13 1/2 months to realize it.
he was telling me how he probably won't be able to call me tonight,
and at first i was crushed because i love talking to him.
now i'm kinda happy for him because he won't be as bored tonight.
:/ i wish there was something i could do to make me more interesting.
 |
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| the chicken or the egg |
[Oct. 22nd, 2004|09:12 pm] |
| [ | i "feel"... |
| | apathetic | ] |
| [ | listening to... |
| | bang bang bang! | ] |
well here is my first entry.
everything has to start somewhere, correct?
so yeah, my main reason of getting this is to be able to talk to my other friends who don't have the other journals.
such as neha, morgan, kurt, and whoever else may have one of these. :]
davey probably won't know about this one so i can kinda write what i'm really feeling or thinking without him being able to know.
so you people [more specifically, morgan] tell him and die
:) have a grand day.
7 days until davey comes down. :D
10 days until i'm 17!!! |
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